The Lambert/Foster Family Dictionary

A few weekends ago, I went to Tipton and had lunch and visited with my grandpa for well over an hour. It was the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I was purposely asking him questions geared towards getting him to retell the stories I've heard a thousand times. Partly because I love hearing them, but mainly because it makes me so happy when his eyes crinkle up with laughter at a memory from 60 years ago. As I was listening to the story of his Uncle Will's slap-dash accounting system at the furniture store, punctuated with lots of "by hairs!" (Uncle Will's version of OMG), I got to thinking - my family uses a LOT of expressions that I've never heard spoken by anyone outside of my gene pool. I'm sure all families do this - I just happen to be familiar with the Lambert/Foster language. I've decided to make a reference sheet so that the next time I bring a guest home to Tipton he or she won't feel like they've ventured into a foreign land. So, I present to you "The Lambert/Foster Family Dictionary".

1.) Ya-Hootie: the little invisible person who takes the blame for something that no one else in the family wants to claim. Used in a sentence, "Ew, who farted?" Silence, followed up by, "Must have been Ya-Hootie." I'm pretty sure Ya-Hootie is behind my missing Christmas decorations. Lord knows I didn't lose them.

2.) Moose Pie: an expression used to shut someone up who is continually griping about dinner, or the way you arranged the furniture, or any number of other things. Originates from a story about an all-male camping trip, and a rule that the next person who complains about dinner has to cook the next meal. Finally, after days of making every meal, the cook makes a "Moose Pie" (moose-shit.) Biting in to it, his fellow campers start to complain, only to quickly wisen up and exclaim, "Moose pie! My favorite." I get secret satisfaction out of saying moose pie to people who have no idea what I'm talking about it. Got to love a little passive aggressivism.

3.) Horse of a Different Color!: Something I heard my grandparents say so many times it's snuck into my vernacular. Used to exclaim surprise at something (someone!) that is weird or different. Often spoken in hushed tones. "Well, he's always been a horse of a different color...". Perhaps the red neck version of the Southerner's favorite, "Bless her heart..."

4.) That's a Fine How Do You Do: interchangeable with "that's a kick in the pants." Example: "Lindsay woke up Saturday morning at her parent's only to find out her dad had backed into her car the night before. She muttered under her breath, well that's a fine how do you do."

5.) By Hair!: A catch-all phrase to express exasperation, astonishment, anger, surprise...the antiquated WTF or OMG. Try it, you'll think it's fun to say!

6.) What do you want, eggs in your beer?: In other words, quit being so damned needy. Used frequently by my mom. One of my favorites.

7.) Get the Banana Out!: Used when you've had to repeat something more than twice. Comes from the popular Lambert question, "Do you have a banana in your ear??" Usually said with indignation to my dad as he sits amidst chaos and does his crossword, ignoring all attempts at communication. Where the origin of the banana in the ear scenario comes from, I can only imagine.

8.) Don't Take Any Wooden Nickels!: A much more fun way of saying good-bye, this is a sentimental favorite. Every time I left my grandparent's house, my grandpa would say, "Don't take any wooden nickels!", usually followed up with "Come back when you can stay longer" or "see you in the funny papers."

9.) Well I'll be dipped...: An expression of bewilderment or surprise. I once asked my mom what exactly she was dipped in. She thought about it for a few seconds, and offered up this: shit?.

10.) Fart in a skillet: a person who is decidedly agitated and can't sit still. Example: "Nate was acting like a fart in a skillet today at the restaurant." A favorite of my grandmas.

11.) EEE-AH-KEY: A different version of "yoohoo...", usually said in a sing-song voice - it's a hello and a way to announce one's presence. Because we wouldn't just want to say "hello". What fun would that be?

What am I missing Lamberts and Fosters? And what about the rest of you? Any family sayings that make you scratch your head?

Writer? Interior Decorator?...

Do you ever wonder what you would do if you didn't do what you did? (How's that for one really confusing sentence.) I love my job - it gives me a sense of purpose, a feeling of satisfaction that I've really made a difference, and a whole mess of vacation days. I'm totally content and happy with where I am right now.

That said, I still like to dream sometimes about what I would do or who I would be if I wasn't working for Special Olympics Indiana. Since I was in middle school, I've always wanted to be a writer. Truth be told, I still want to. Turns out, that's a bit easier said than done. I've got lots of great ideas and opening pages - turning those thoughts and scraps of stories into a cohesive piece is a bit trickier. I love to read, which is one of the prerequisites to writing. If reading alone made one qualified to be an author, then consider me the next JK Rowling! Perhaps I could be a professional reader...?

I had a concentration in Creative Writing in college - I loved going to those classes. They were always at night, always in Ballentine Hall, and I always stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn't wear ankle bracelets with bells on them, I didn't suck down cigarettes before class, and I didn't write about ghosts/drug trips/vampires. I realize that is a vast stereotype of writers, but, 99% of my peers in my writing classes fit into one of those of molds. I think a lot of my classmates had an idea of how a writer was supposed to behave and a naive, wide eyed optimist from Tipton didn't quite fit the bill. I always felt a bit like a fish out of water in those classes, but I dug them just the same. It was fun to be around people so different from my normal group of friends. I need to make myself write more - it's something I love doing, but never seem to have the time and/or discipline to do.

When I'm not dreaming up the author picture for my New York Times best seller, I fancy myself an interior decorator. There are few things I like more than strolling the home sections of Target or Homegoods. Picture frames, bathroom rugs, candles, decorative clocks - love them all. Whenever I move to a new place, I don't stop unpacking and "nesting" until I have all my picture frames set out, my books lined on a shelf, and my jewelry displayed on my dresser. I don't feel at home or settled until I'm surrounded by the things I love. I think there is something very comforting about designing a room that makes you feel content when you enter. I love laying in bed at night and looking at pictures from vacations,remembering my trip to the tango bar in Argentina, or looking at the boat my grandpa made me and thinking of sitting beside him at the bar in his kitchen, his giant size 14 feet pointed out, while he painstakingly painted his latest model.

Someday, when I have a house that is all my own, I will decorate EXACTLY as I want. I want a yellow kitchen with polka dot dishes and cheery curtains to frame the window above my sink; my bathroom will be an oceany blue with a soft fluffy white rug to set outside my big tub; I want a porch with a porch swing, and a cozy library with a fireplace and floor to ceiling bookshelves. I'll blow up a picture of Cabin 16 at Lochaven Lodge and hang it over the fireplace and drift away to Canada whenever I need a stress reliever. I want my house to be the kind of place where people hang out in the (yellow) kitchen and feel cozy. It won't be immaculate, but it will be warm and inviting. Take your shoes off, or keep them on. It doesn't matter to me. Throw your purse on the floor, and pull up a chair.

Who knows...maybe that house will have a nook in the attic that would be just perfect for a desk and a computer. You know, the type of place a gal could do some serious writing in...